Visions of You
by Miss Spiritual Slut
Summary: When Rory and Jess talk about the kiss they shared, Rory tells Jess it didn’t mean anything to her. Two months later, as she comes back from Washington and sees Jess with another girl, she realizes she was wrong.
1. Nothing

Title: Visions of You – Chapter One: "Nothing."

Author: Alexis Leigh Mariano 

Rating: G

Spoilers: Season 2, leading to "Can't get started". Nothing here is based on actual spoilers.

Disclaimer: Most characters, places and shindigs belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino. 

Summary: When Rory and Jess talk about the kiss they shared, Rory tells Jess it didn't mean anything to her. Two months later, as she comes back from Washington and sees Jess with another girl, she realizes she was wrong.

"Nothing"

It has been almost a week since it happened. One week since I had last seen him. I had my mom informed and had her going to Luke's alone every morning. "What?" was the first thing she said once I told her. "You kissed Jess?" 

I know she doesn't like him. But I do. Sort of. I don't know. 

"Yeah" was the only thing I could say. So I did. Mom just went to the kitchen and sat of one of the chairs. She looked stunned. I can't blame her. I was stunned as well. 

Mom said nothing. Maybe she was just exhausted – We were practically the energizer bunnies at Sookie and Jackson's wedding. Mom told me what happened with dad when we got back. I was mad; I was hurt, exactly as she was. He left us again. He broke his promise again. Soon, I'll have a little half-sibling. Soon, I'll barely have a father. When she told me, I realized what the both of us were trying to forget.

"What about Dean?" Mom finally asked, after a few moments of awkward silence. I didn't know what to say. I loved Dean, I still do. He means heaps to me. But why did I kiss Jess?

I grabbed a chair and sat on it. I thought of what to say. I knew that the answer I'll give to my mother would be the answer I will give to myself. I have thought about this situation so many times that I haven't even got the chance to come up with an answer. 

I looked into my mom's eyes. I think I found the answer. "It didn't mean anything", I said. It didn't. It was just an act, triggered by how much I missed him - As a friend, of course. 

I didn't lie when I said that. At least I didn't know that I did.

So, it was a week later. I haven't seen Jess since that day. I wasn't sure if I want to. I wasn't sure if I didn't want to. 

I haven't mentioned anything to Dean - Not that Jess is back and certainly not the kiss.

2 days from today, I'll go on a bus to Washington DC. I'm going to spend 6 full weeks in Washington DC - With Paris. Happy happy, joy joy.

I have already begun packing. I have packed a bag full of books, along with a suitcase that is yet to be filled.

I felt like I needed to talk to him, but inside, I was hoping to avoid him until I'll be back from DC. I'll have enough time to thing about the right things to say. I didn't want to hurt him.

I decided to go and face him. One thing I had in my mind – It didn't mean anything to me.

I stopped walking as I saw him through one of the windows of the diner. I wasn't sure if I wanted to face him yet. I wasn't ready. I took a deep breath. I've made my decision – I'll face him when I'm back from DC. Fair, it's not… But it's the best thing to do. I think. I'm sure.

I was about to turn back when I realized he was looking at me. I couldn't turn back now. I just took a deep breath and started making my way into the diner.

"Hey" he greeted my when I walked in. He was standing behind the counter, holding a book in his hand. He was reading. His eyes never left the book. 

He looked up at me. "Coffee?" he asked.

It was a bit annoying, seeing him trying to pretend like it was just another day, like nothing happened. He glanced at me again. I was still standing at the entrance. I haven't said a thing since I came in.

Luke suddenly popped out of nowhere and walked over to behind the counter. He glanced at me and smiled. He and my mom are still acting like 5 year olds. I smiled a bit in return. Jess turned his head to glance at Luke and gently threw the book he was holding on the counter. He walked over to me. I got nervous.

"Hey" he said again. I glanced at Luke, which sent a quick glance towards Jess and me. My eyes wandered around the room. I felt like everyone was staring at me, but no one actually did. The only person who stared at me was Jess, and I realized that I was doing anything to avoid locking his eyes with mine. 

"We need to talk," I said, finally focusing my gaze on him. He lowered his head. "I know," he said in return. We just kept standing there. I couldn't speak. I haven't planned this. "You wanna sit?" he said, looking up at me. He had this half-smile on his face. I replied with a half-smile of my own, nodding my head. He started walking towards one of the corner tables. I just followed him. We both sat. 

He, knowing how uncomfortable I must feel, said the first words. "You wanted to talk". That didn't help much, but it was something. "I did." I said in return. I looked down at my hands. 

"I'm sorry," he suddenly said. I looked up at him, surprised. "You're sorry?" I asked. I didn't expect him to say that. "For the kiss," he said. My heart stopped. The kiss. I saw it in my mind again. I kissed him. I grabbed him and I kissed him. I grabbed him, kissed him, and he kissed me back. I pulled out and ran away. I pulled out, ran away and avoided him for a week. Now I'm here, face to face with him. I looked at him for a second, and then looked down again. "Are you sorry?" he asked. Another question I didn't expect. 

I looked up at him, our eyes meeting once again. His eyes… So deep. His gaze reflected sadness, disappointment, maybe. I tried to read him, but he's no open book. 'It didn't mean anything' kept playing in my head. 'It didn't mean anything'. Just like a broken record. "It didn't mean anything," I finally said. I looked up at him. He seemed a bit hurt. "Oh." He said, gazing at the table. "It was just… You know. In the heat of the moment," I said. I missed him. My emotions swirled inside of me. I had the impulse to kiss him, so I did. That's what happened. 

"Oh." He said again. He really was hurt. "Did it mean anything to you?" I asked. I was surprised. I wasn't planning on asking that, but now that I did, I wanted to know is answer. "Does it matter?" he looked up at me and said. I said nothing, gazing down at my hands again. He nodded and got up. He was hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. "Jess!" I called. He started walking away, not turning back. My eyes followed him as he walked towards the apartment. I noticed Luke, following Jess with his eyes as well. He sent me a quick glance before he got back to work.

I really didn't want to hurt Jess. He's my friend. I was hoping this kiss won't destroy what we have, but I guess it did.


	2. Everything's changing

Title: Visions of You – Chapter Two: "Everything's Changing"

Author: Alexis Leigh Mariano

Rating: G

Spoilers: Season 2, leading to "Can't get started". Nothing here is based on actual spoilers.

Disclaimer: Most characters, places and shindigs belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino. 

Summary: When Rory and Jess talk about the kiss they shared, Rory tells Jess it didn't mean anything to her. Two months later, as she comes back from Washington and sees Jess with another girl, she realizes she was wrong.

"Everything's Changing"

Six weeks and 2 days had passed. Not that I've been counting, of course. 

I haven't spoke to him since. I haven't even told him that I was going to Washington. He had probably heard it from mom or Luke.

Mom and me talked on the phone about everyday since I left, but she hasn't mentioned Luke. I didn't ask her. I just felt like getting away from anything related to Stars Hollow. I needed some peace of mind.

I talked to Dean a few times. He called me about once a week. I haven't told him about the kiss, but he knows Jess is back. He's not very happy. He shouldn't be.

I acted surprised when he told me. He doesn't know that I know that he's back. He doesn't know that I had the chance to welcome him back.

Every time I seem to think about… Anything, my mind seems to drift. Everything ends with me thinking about this kiss. I still regret it and it still doesn't mean anything to me, but I still think about it, all the time. I can still see Jess in my mind. I can see how much I hurt him. It hurts to know I did that to a person. It hurts to know I did that to Jess.

The bus stopped. "Stars Hollow!" the driver called. I snapped out of the trance I was in and started gathering my stuff. Stepping out of the bus, I saw my mom running towards me. I smiled.

"Rory!!" she called. I dropped my bags as soon as mom came near me. We hugged each other. 

"Hey, mom!" I said, happy. Mom just hugged me. I'm not used to seeing her getting emotional. "Mom?" I said, quietly. "Hmm?" She responded, still holding me tight. "Let go, mom." I said, laughing. She didn't let go. She just 'Mmm'ed. "Your black lace T-shirt is in my suitcase, mom. My suitcase is still in the bus". Mom finally let go – Quickly. "Hurry!" She called, laughing. I dragged my suitcase out of the bus's trunk. God, it was heavy. Mom has no idea how many things in there are for her. 

Mom picked up my book-bag and started carrying it over to the car, with me following her. "Jeez, woman! I never knew you could carry something that heavy!" I just giggled. She kept mentioning how much she missed me and how she can't believe she managed to survive the Friday night dinners without me.

"So… How's it been?" Mom asked, excited, on our way home. "Well, we've talked on the phone every day in the last 6 weeks. You know about everything there is to know." I glanced at my mom and smiled. "I know," she replied, sending me a quick glance. 

Quiet. 

"So… How's it been?" she asked again, a smirk spreading on her lips.

"Mom?" I asked. "What?" Mom replied, casually. "What are you doing?" I asked. An obvious question to ask when your mom takes the wrong turn on the way home. "Going to Luke's?" Mom said in a questioning tone. "Luke's?"

I know I'd have to face Jess again someday, but I don't think I can handle facing him today. 

"Yeah, Luke's. You know, house of coffee?" Mom said.

I missed Luke's. I missed Luke. But I just couldn't go in there… Not right now. "Don't we have coffee at home?" I asked, a bit nervously. Mom looked at me with her fake-shock glare. "How dare you compare Luke's heavenly coffee with our own? Don't make me disown you, child!" I laughed. "Besides, all the good coffee in the house is gone." I looked at her. "Remind me to stop at Doose's on the way back". I smiled at the thought. Dean works at Doose's market. He's there right now. He tried to ask Taylor to let him leave early, but Taylor refused. He wanted to greet me. I guess I'll just greet him instead.

Mom parked the car outside from Luke's. "Still keeping distance from the hoodlum?" She asked. I nodded. "For now," I replied. Mom half-smiled and unfastened her seatbelt. "Want me to get you anything?" I looked up at mom as she asked. "Just coffee. Thanks." I smiled and leaned my head backwards. I wasn't really hungry or anything. 

Mom got out of the car and closed the door behind her. I turned the radio on, searching for a song to keep me entertained. Music is always helpful when I'm bored.

I looked out the window, watching my mom going in. I was curious if she and Luke are still giving each other the except-asking-for-coffee silent treatment. I narrowed my eyes, trying to get clues from the way they act, but instead of seeing them, I saw him. I got nervous. I hoped he wouldn't notice I'm out here. He was smiling. Seeing him smiling made me smile. He walked behind the counter. He was laughing. I got curious. Why is he laughing? There was a female costumer sitting on a stool near the counter. She laughed as well. Before I even managed to connect the dots, she kissed him. My smile faded. I was surprised. Stunned, even. I was kinda shocked. I was… Jealous? No. No way. Why would I be jealous? He's just a friend. 

The door opened, cutting my trail of thoughts. Mom got in the car, placing two cups of coffee in my hands. "I tell you, he can't get quicker than that," She said. I didn't really pay attention to her words, though. She tried following my gaze. When she realized I was staring at Jess, she cleared her throat. I turned to her, a bit jumpy. "Oh, mom, hi." I said, trying to avoid looking in his direction again. "Hi" mom replied, starting the car. "Luke said 'Welcome home'" She said, slightly smiling. "Oh." I said. I couldn't think about anything. I only had him in my mind. Who is that girl? Why was she kissing him?

"You wanna go to Doose's?" Mom asked. I nodded. I wanted to go to Doose's. I needed coffee. Lots of it. Somehow, I really didn't care that Dean worked there. Dean just somehow slipped my mind.

Home, sweet home. How I've missed it. I went straight to my room, throwing my bags on the floor. Mom was at the kitchen, making more coffee.

We didn't see Dean at Doose's. In any other time, I would've wondered why. But I just didn't give a damn about anything. I jumped on my bed, folding my legs against my chest. I rested my chin on my knees, frustrated. I kept seeing them in my mind. Jess and that girl. 

What have changed since I left? A lot, apparently.


	3. Erase and Rewind

"Erase and Rewind"

A knock on my door was all it took to bring me back to reality. "Coffee for your thoughts?" 

Mom was there, leaning against the door. I smiled at her. She entered the room and sat next to me, handing me a cup of fresh coffee. 

"Can I just…" she looked at me with her trying-to-look-pathetic pout of hers. "Sure," I said, handing her the cup. She took a sip, and then placed it on my desk. 

Silence. More silence. Jess and that girl. Laughing. Kissing. Why can't I stop thinking about it?

"Who is she?" I asked mom. She must know something. Apparently, she read my mind. "Huh. Spotted the mystery girl?" I nodded. Mystery. I bet Jess likes that. 

"I don't know. No one knows, really. I think they're about to do a segment about her on Ripley's" Mom said. I sighed. "Why do you ask?" mom asked, suddenly. I didn't know the answer. I kept being silent, trying to find an answer. I couldn't. Mom just got up.

"Ookie dookie, sweets. I'll be in the living room if you feel like talking". She went out of the room. I didn't feel like talking. I was confused. Why was I confused?

"Hey."

I wanted to go out. I didn't want to see Lane, or Dean, or anyone. Well, not anyone. There was one person I wanted to see. As much as I wanted to avoid him, I wanted to talk to him. I had to talk to him.

But I couldn't. 

I went out to the park. I find it soothing there. Quiet. I walked towards the bridge, hands in my pockets, head hanged down. A voice called. I looked up. It was him. I looked down. 

"Hi" I replied. "Welcome home" he greeted. I looked down at him. He was sitting. He was smiling. It made me remember that other welcome. I got lost in his eyes. I grabbed him. I kissed him. I was thinking about it again. I shook my head, trying to get these images out of my head. "Thanks." I said, looking down again. He looked up at me. I looked down at him. I missed him. 

"You never told me you were going away," he suddenly said. He was right – I never did tell him. Between kissing him, avoiding him and making him feel like crap, I couldn't find the right time. 

"Well, we weren't very chatty, were we?" I said, surprised by the tone of my voice. It wasn't harsh, but there was harshness in there. Still, it was soft. My eyes wandered around, trying to drown themselves in the pond. 

"That's right," he said, nodding his head. I kept walking, finding myself standing next to him. I sat down, looking at the pond again. I wish I were as peaceful as it is.

"I'm sorry." I said. I was. He looked at me, his gaze curious. "For not telling me?" "For everything." I looked at him. Our eyes locked. I tried searching for answers in his eyes. There was some pain in there.

He looked away. I didn't want to say anything else. We were silent. The area was silent. The only thing I heard was the sound of his breaths. I was curious. I needed to know.

"Who is she?" I spitted out. He looked at me, surprised. "She?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah…" I looked down at my legs, "I saw you two at Luke's". And in my head, over and over again. 

"When were you at Luke's?" He asked, avoiding my question. "I wasn't exactly at Luke's, I was…" I took a deep breath, "I waited for mom in the car". "Ahh…" He said, knowingly. "Avoiding me again, I see". I sighed. He knew the answer.

"So, who is she?" 

He looked at me, smiling. His eyes looked above me. "A lady friend." He replied. "Hmm" I hummed, looking up at the sky. "Her name is Kara". Kara. Sounds… Kara-ish. "Where have you met her?" I asked, looking at him. "Around" he said. Great. Not vague at all. "Cool" I said, hurting inside. Why? I don't know.

"Why?" he suddenly asked, looking at me. Why? Like I said, I have no idea. Why… Why am I suddenly only interested in him?

"Can't a girl ask?" I finally responded. "A girl can ask" he said and nodded. I smiled. "Good". "Good" he responded, returning a smile.

"We okay?" He asked. I gazed down. Were we okay? I hope so. I wanted to be close to him again. "We're okay." I responded, nodding. He smirked. "Good". "Good." I said in return.

We just sat there for a while. He asked me about the trip, I answered. It was nice, being near him again. We were friends again. The problem is… I was starting to think that I want us to be more than that.

"I'll get it!!" I shouted, resting the book I was reading on the bed. I walked out of my room, into the living room, towards the entrance. I opened the door. 

"Hey!" I greeted, not sounding very excited. "Hey, stranger!" He said, and then he leaned in to kiss me. I didn't kiss him back. I just didn't want to. Dean. Somehow, I just don't see him the same way I did before. He pulled out, shifting uncomfortably in his spot. "Eh, welcome home!" he said, smiling. "Thanks." I smiled back. 

"So…" He said, walking pass me, into the house, "How was it?" I turned to follow him. "Not too back." I replied. Surprisingly, It really wasn't that bad. "Hmm." He just said nothing, leaning in to kiss me. I felt nothing. No shivering… no sparks, no… Nothing. It felt so different from the way I felt while kissing Jess. Oh, great, Jess again.

Dean pulled away. "Rory? Are you okay?" he asked, gazing curiously into my eyes. "Yeah" I responded, "Why shouldn't I be?" I added. "I don't know…" He said, planting his hands in his pockets, "You just seem different". "I'm just tired" I lied. "Okay" he said, surrendering. "I think I better go now" he said, a bit irritated. "Okay" I said. He walked back towards the door, letting himself out. "Bye." He said, closing the door behind him. I leaned on the closed door, taking a deep breath. 

What's happening to me?


	4. To Have and Not to Have

"To Have and Not to Have"

A chime was heard as we walked through the doors of the diner. It wasn't very crowded.

"I think I'm gonna name it Kreuger!" Mom announced. I looked at her, a bit irritated, giving her my 'serious' glance. "For the last time, mom, you are NOT getting a rabbit!" "But I'll raise it well!" She said in her whining tone. "You'll lock the poor thing it in the basement and make it listen to the Spice Girls" I said, walking over to table. "We don't have a basement!" mom stated, following me. I turned back, giving mom a piercing 'you know what I mean' stare. Mom could never keep a pet. I knew it, she knew it, everybody knew it. "Work with me here!" I said as I sat down. "You're no fun!" Mom said, plopping into a chair. 

I looked over at counter. He was there. He looked over to me with a smile on his face and waved. I returned the smile and waved back.

"Who are you waving at?" Mom asked. She followed my stare again. I guess she got her answer since she turned her head back to look at me. "Oh."

I stopped staring at Jess and looked at my mom. "'Oh' what?" I asked. Everything involving Jess would make mom 'Oh'. "'Oh, there's the punk my daughter kissed' kind of oh." Mom responded, looking around the diner. "Oh" I responded, sneaking another look at the 'punk'. 

"Are you two… You know?" she asked, burying her head in her empty coffee cup. "Are we what?" I asked, not quite sure what she meant. "You know… Are you two like 'Let's repeat the wedding day incident for fun'?" 

I laughed a little, secretly wishing we were. 

"Oh, god, no" I shook my head. "We just… Talked. We're friendish again." I said, smiling. "That's… Good." Mom said with a forced smile, "Friendish is good". "Yeah… Friendish is good" I said in reply. I looked down, staring into my empty cup of coffee.

We sat, we had our coffee, we got up, ready to leave. On our way out, my heart stopped. She walked into the diner, giving Jess a warm smile. I felt like everything was going in slow motion. She's so pretty. She's prettier than I am. She went behind the counter and kissed him. I wanted to die. 

It took me a few seconds to realize I was staring. I quickly turned around and walked out of the diner, feeling like my heart has just been stepped on. 

Still, I ask myself that one question that I've been asking myself constantly over the last couple of days – Why?

The walk home was quiet. Mom just kept staring at me. As we got home, mom opened the door, dumping the keys on the table. I started walking towards my room when she finally spoke. "Rory, what's going on?"

I turned to look at her. "What do you mean 'What's going on'?" "Nothing, I'm just feeling very James Brown at the moment." She said, resting her hands on her hips as I sighed. "You at the diner. Waving, staring…" "I wasn't staring." I said, cutting mom off. "Oh, yes, you were." Mom said, nodding her head in the process. I just sighed again, gazing at the floor.

"I think I have feelings for him." I said, quietly, slowly looking up at her. Mom just raised an eyebrow. "What kind of feelings?" I tilted my head. "The kind of feelings that caused me to kiss him 2 months ago". Mom raised another eyebrow. "Wow" she said. Knowing her, I knew she was uncertain of how to react. I knew she wouldn't be very thrilled. I didn't know what to say either. I just inhaled and exhaled slowly. 

"But, there's that girl." I said. "Yeah." Mom said. With all that is happening with dad and Sherry, I think she can somehow relate. I walked over to the couch and sat on it, leaning my head on a pillow.

"She's so pretty." I said. I was depressed. I was sad. 

Mom joined me on the couch, looking at me. "Honey, you're way prettier." "No, I'm not! I argued, sitting up. "She has these…" I started to say, looking up, as I was trying to remember. "She has these dark blue eyes, you know? Freaky eyes, and her hair is like… It's so straight and so… Black! I mean, she looks like someone took her out of a movie! Like the bad girl on a soap opera!" I sighed, Frustrated. 

Mom said nothing. I hate it when she does that. She looked down, but she didn't look at me. "Does it make you feel like your heart has just been stepped on?" she asked softly, looking at nothing. "What?" I asked her, cuddling with that pillow. "Seeing Jess with Susan Lucci. Does it give you a heart ache?" I looked down, staring at nothing as well. It did. I nodded. "Are you jealous of her?" Mom asked, finally looking at me. "Jealous?" I asked her. I knew I was jealous, but I wasn't sure of what. I just sighed. 

"You wanna have yourself a Jess?" She asked. She was serious. It meant loads to me. 

I kept being silent, asking myself that question over and over again.

"Mom?" I said, finally ready to speak. "I think I want to have myself a Jess".

Mom hugged me. "Do you want to try to get yourself a Jess?" She asked, still holding me. Oh, yeah. How I wanted to get myself a Jess. How come I was so blind before? Why did I screw this up? 

I kept thinking about 'them'. Jess and Kara, Jess and Kara. I will never have a Jess. I missed my chance to have a Jess. 

"I can't have a Jess," I said, pulling out of my mother's embrace. "Someone else has a Jess". 

Mom looked into my eyes. I could see that she was sorry for me. She started stroking my hair. It's her way of comforting.

Oh my god… Oh my god! I suddenly remembered something! All that Jess talk made me forget that… "I have a Dean!" I spitted out. Mom stopped stroking my hair and just looked at me. I think we both forgot. I have a Dean. Mom sighed. I sighed. I'm not being fair to him. 

"I can't have a Dean." I said, closing my eyes. Mom nodded, agreeing with me. I leaned down, resting my head on her legs. I can't have a Dean. I won't have a Dean. 


	5. Meet and Greet

"Meet and Greet"

I've had a pretty tough night, trying to decide what to do and how to do it. The streets of Stars Hollow seemed a bit different, but I guess it's just from where I see it. Since I got back, it seemed like everything is different – Luke's doesn't feel as safe to be at as it was before, I'm falling out of love with my boyfriend, and… I have feelings for him. Him. 

He changed it all. He changed life as I Knew it, as I saw it. He changed the way I looked at everything. I just haven't realized it until recently.

I knew I couldn't have him, but I also knew that I couldn't have someone else when I wanted to have him. 

That's why I'm here.

I looked up at the road sign in front of me. "16 Peach Street". I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I can do this. I have to do this. I want to do this.

I opened my eyes and started walking slowly towards the front door. I stopped walking as I found myself next to the door. My heartbeats got faster and faster as I lifted my hand, ready to knock on the door. With one deep breath, I did it. 

After a few seconds, I heard footsteps. I felt like I was out of breath.

The door opened. He was there. 

"Rory!" he called, sounding surprised. "Hey, Dean." I said, looking down at the 'Welcome!' carpet. "What are you doing here?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe. "I just…" I sighed. "I need to talk to you." "What about?" Dean said, shaking his head. Oh-oh. Don't get mad again, please don't get mad again. I peeked inside the house. "Can I come in?" I asked, a bit afraid. "Sure" he gritted through his teeth. Like he always does when he's mad. Great. 

I walked inside, marching silently towards the couch. I sat down, trying to calm myself. I have to do this. I have to.

He joined me at the living room and sat on a different couch. The tension was killing me. I wanted to do this but I didn't want to do this. I hate hurting people, but not hurting people always ends up with me hurting myself.

"So." He said, gazing at me, and around, and at me, and around. I stared longingly at the floor, not certain of what to say. 

"Rory?" He asked, gazing at me curiously. "Huh?" I looked up. "Oh, sorry." I said, shaking my head. I still kept saying nothing. 

Dean sighed. "Okay, do you want to talk or do you want to play the silence game?" I looked up at him. He was already mad. Great. Fantastic.

I took another deep breath. "This is not working." I said. I said it. I finally said it. "What?" Dean asked, sounding confused. "'Us'. 'Us' isn't working."

His eyes widen. I felt like I'm shrinking. "Excuse me?" He asked. I just closed my eyes and sighed. "Rory." He said, irritated. I looked up at him, wishing I could just disappear. "Look, Dean…" I sighed again. I didn't want to sound too direct. I couldn't exactly tell him that I'm falling for Jess. 

"I just… We have both changed. And… It's just not working for me anymore". "What do you mean it's not working?" Dean asked, "What has changed?" 

I looked up at him. I knew exactly what has changed, but I couldn't tell him. It would seem really stupid, me breaking up from my boyfriend for a guy who is already seeing someone else. But I had to do it. I'm sick of false things.

"A lot has changed, Dean. We changed, 'us' changed. I just don't feel like I want us to be an 'us' anymore." I looked down again. "I'm sorry."

Dean said nothing. He looked down as well, following something imaginary with his eyes. "I better go." I said, standing up. Dean still said nothing. I'm starting to really hate all that silence. 

I looked at him one last time before turning around and walking away, out of his house, out of his life. Out of this relationship. I took a deep breath and exhaled, relieved. I did it.

I decided to go to Luke's. A cup of coffee is always good to wash away sorrow. Not that it made me that sad. I mean, it made me sad, but it was certainly over. I knew it. It felt like the right thing to do.

I entered Luke's. I looked around. He wasn't there. I was glad, but I was sad. I wanted to see him, but I wanted to get away. 

I started to walk towards the counter while struggling to get a book out of my jacket's inner pocket. I was so focused on trying to get that damn book out that I haven't noticed that I was very close to bumping into someone. Eventually, I did bump into someone. "I'm sor…" I said while looking up. I stopped talking. I just stared.

It was her.

"It's okay." She turned to me and said with a smile. I just nodded, plopping into the stool next to her. I finally managed to pull the book out of my pocket. I opened it and started to read, but it seemed like every word just faded away from my mind. I couldn't concentrate. She was there. Sitting next to me. She was there, sitting next to me! I closed the book and slammed it on the counter. I think I slammed it too hard, because she turned to me just as I did. "Whoa, easy there." She said, laughing. "Sorry…" I said, frustrated. "I'm just in a serious need of coffee," I continued. "Yeah, me too." She said, still smiling. I faked a smile and turned, nervously tapping my fingers on the counter. 

"Hey, you know what the time is?" I turned to look at her with a 'What?' glare. "My boyfriend said he'll be down here by 6." She said. Boyfriend. God, how much do I have hearing that word coming out of her mouth. How much do I want to be out of here. I just said "Oh" in return and looked at my watch. "It's 6:08". "Thanks" she said in return and turned to look into an empty coffee cup. I pulled a napkin out of the napkin holder and started tearing it up, piece by piece. I was so… So! Jess's igirlfriend/i was sitting on a stool next to me, waiting for her iboyfriend/i - The guy I… You know - To arrive. 

Maybe I should just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave. I will just get up and live. I ran a hand through my hair, accidentally sending the napkin holder down to the floor with my elbow. I sighed and bended down, trying to track it with my hand. As I finally found it, I heard him. Crap. He's here. Not that it's a bad thing… But when she's here, it's a bad thing. 

"Hey" I heard him say. I frowned. When I rose back up, they were kissing. Again. And again, I wanted to die. A horrible death. Tie me up to a tree and smack me with a baboon kind of death. I hated it. It hurt. It seemed like they don't even know I'm here! Well, actually, Jess doesn't, and Kara doesn't know who I am… But still, this was so insensitive. I mean, yeah, sure. Take my heart. Step on it. Jump on it. Dance the Cha-cha on it and leave it to bleed. I don't mind. 

I put the napkin holder back on the counter. I actually kind of slammed the holder on the counter, trying to get their attention. And I succeeded. 

Jess broke the kiss as he heard the loud noise. He looked at me, a bit surprised, as I interfered with a mocking, irritated smile.

"Rory!" he said, running his hand across his mouth, wiping off some lipstick. Kara looked at him, then at me. "Rory? Who's Rory?" 

Well, hi, I'm right here. "You know Rory. The friend I told you about." He smiled at me, a bit embarrassed. He told her about me? That's nice!

"Oh, right! The book worm!" She said. Okay, that's not so nice. I glanced at her. She must think she's so smart. Bah. I hate her. "Yeah." I said, faking another smile. 

"What are you doing here?" Jess asked. "Coffee." I said. He knows what I'm doing here. He never asks me what I'm doing here. He doesn't need to ask what I'm doing here. I frowned ago. I got to get out of here. "To go." I added, a bit harshly. He filled up a to-go cup and handed it to me. "Here." He said. I picked my pocket for money. All I could find were 2 dollar bills. I threw the money on the counter as I picked the cup of coffee, and then grabbed the book with my free hand. "Have a nice day." I said as I turned and walked away. 

It was a boring walk home. I stuffed the book back in my pocket. I didn't even touch the coffee. Not the slightest sip. I just didn't feel like it.

As I got home, I placed everything I held on the table and walked to the living room. I took off my jacket and threw it on the table, then just collapsed on the couch. 

That was a nice experience. I sighed. Why did I behave that way? That's not like me. Am I changing? Have I already changed? Or am I just about to change? 

He has to know.


	6. Like Rain, Like Rain

"Like Rain, Like Rain"

I like rain. Rain is nice. It's wet and cold, but it's nice. 

I remember times when I took a walk in the rain. Just me and a coat. I usually take a book with me when I go to walks, but when I walk in the rain, I leave my books at home, where it's safe.

A few days had passed. 

I'm single again. It's not much fun. I was alone. Well, not 'alone' alone, but I was alone in the romantic term of alone.

I was taking a walk in the rain. It was dark outside. The streets of Stars Hollow were almost empty. It was so quiet. I looked at the ground as I walked. I don't know why, but I love seeing how the raindrops clash with the ground. There's something fascinating in the way they split into small puddles and join other drops… Then they just stream away. 

Am I bored or what?

I take a walk when I need to think. When I need to clear my mind. But I don't want to think. And actually, I don't really want to clear my mind. I just want to take a walk in the rain. I want to try not to think of him. Oh, great. Does that count as a thought? 

Who am I kidding? I can't stop thinking about him. 

"Fancy seeing you here." 

I turned around. He was there. He was smiling. He looked so good under the streetlights. His hair was wet. It was a bit funny, seeing his hair wet. I think my breath stopped. It did. I hurried and took a deep breath. I can't even control my breaths anymore. 

I stopped walking and smiled back. "Why is that?" I asked. He caught up with me, as he was walking behind me before. Side by side, we kept on walking. 

"Well, it's not safe for girls like you to walk alone at nights." He said, smirking. I smirked at the comment. "In Stars Hollow?" I responded. "You never know." He replied. We kept walking, enjoying the silence. "Umbrella?" He said as he took an umbrella out of his back pocket. "No thanks." I like rain. Oh, you know that already. I looked at him, smiling curiously. "Why don't you use it?" I asked him. He shrugged. "I like rain." He said. I smiled in reply. We continued with the silence-walking routine.

"Hey, umm…" He suddenly broke the oh-so-lovely silence, "That day at the diner…"

That day at the diner? What about that day at the diner? Oh… _that_ day at the diner. I looked at him. I wondered what he'd say, what about. Oh god! Maybe he realized that I… Oh my.

"I'm sorry about the whole…" He kept talking, then stopped to take a deep breath. "We're working on our people skills." I sighed in relief. He gave me a curious glance. "Good." I just said, faking yet another smile. I still hate everything about that girl. She's too lucky.

"How're you and Frankenstein doing?" he asked me. I raised an eyebrow. "Frankenstein?" Oh. "Dean" I said. He nodded. 

"We broke up." I said, trying not to sound too excited. He raised an eyebrow as well. "You broke up?" he asked. "We broke up." I said in reply. "Huh" he just said. 

I looked at him. He smiled again. I just wanted to grab him and kiss him. Again.

I had to tell him.

"There's something I need to tell you." I said, looking back at the ground. "I'm listening." He said, looking at the ground again. "Can we sit first?" I asked, looking at him from the corner of my eye. He looked up and nodded, turning the other way. "Where are you going?" I asked him. "Where else?" he replied. Oh. I turned and followed him.

A few minutes later, we were there. The bridge. He sat down. I did the same. 

The formerly pouring rain is now just casually dropping raindrops.

"Please don't be upset." I said, letting out a small breath. "Why would I be upset?" he asked. "Because of what I'm about to tell you." I said, sending him a quick glance. 

"Why would I be upset because of what you're about to tell me?" He asked again, raising an eyebrow. I took a deep breath.

"Sookie's wedding…" "Oh." He said, cutting in. "The kiss." I said. He looked at me. "I thought we already talked about this." He said, softly. I sighed. 

Why am I doing this? Why am I telling him? It wouldn't matter anyway. He has that strange Kara girl. But I started with it. I have to continue with it.

I sighed. I looked at the pond. Maybe he'll be upset and push me in. It's cathartic, I hear.

I took another deep breath. "It meant something." I said, quietly. "What?" he said, sounding confused. I looked up at him. "The kiss. It meant something to me". 

His jaw dropped a little. "Wow." He said. He gazed down. I just inhaled. We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"Couldn't you say something a bit earlier?" he asked, looking at me. "Jess…" I started talking as he continued. "We could've worked with that". I frowned. He was right. If only I knew how I really felt about him before I left, if only I told him how I really felt about him before I left, we might've been together now. But I didn't know. 

"I didn't know." I said. "You didn't know?" He asked. "It took a while to figure out." I said. And it's a darn shame that it did. 

He leaned his head backwards. We sat in silence again. 

"What am I supposed to say?" He suddenly asked, looking at me. "Say what you think." I replied. He sighed. He was silent for a while. I didn't hate it as much as I did before. This silence did me some good.

"Do you expect that heart-to-heart bit to change things?" he asked. I wish. I shook my head. "I don't know." I said. He nodded. 

I wonder if it will. 

Silence again. I faked a glance at my watch. "I better go," I said, "It's late". "It is," he said. I looked at him. He didn't move. I got up and started to walk away.

That went well. I sighed. At least I told him how I really feel. Honesty's always a plus. I just hope we won't get 'awkward' again. I was off the bridge now. I looked back at him. He was still at that same position. I turned away and kept walking. By now, it has started raining again. I followed the raindrops as the trailed off the ground. 

I like rain.

I went to Luke's at the next morning. Alone. Mom was too tired to join me. He wasn't there.

I was wondering. Wondering if he thought about me. Wondering if he thought about _it_. Wondering if things have changed.

Luke came up to me, placing two cups of coffee on the counter. "Here you go." He said, turning back to take another plate which he handed to Ceaser as he walked by. "Thanks, Luke" I said, taking the 1 cup in each hand. 

Just as I did, I heard a laugh. I looked up. It was him.

And her. They went in the diner through the curtain that keeps the diner separated from Luke and Jess's apartment. They were holding hands. They were laughing. 

I looked up at them. So, that's what changed? Nothing?! 

He glanced at me. He stopped laughing. Nice of him to notice me. He opened his mouth, probably in order to speak.

But I didn't let him. I shook my head in disbelief and turned to leave. I walked out the door of the diner, wanting to just break down and cry. I thought things would change. But nothing did change. The only thing that is any different is that now, I feel even worse than I did before.


	7. Fear of Falling

**Note:**

Umm… Hi. Uh, thanks for the feedback and everything, I love reading it, it totally makes my day :D

I just wanted to thank my dirty fellow Dodgers for inspiring me with the good cop, bad cop thingie at the beginning. You guys are the best ;)

If this is a bit too rushed, blame Kate ;) And yes, hun, I'll try finishing chapter 8 early as well ;)

-

"Fear of Falling"

"So, anyway, he was like 'Put the pretzels down, young lady, and no one will get hurt!' So I turned to him and said 'Hey, You wanna play good cop, bad cop?'"

Mom and me were at the diner. He wasn't there. He wasn't there and I was happy that he wasn't. I looked out the window, focusing on nothing. Mom just babbled. I wasn't really listening to her, but I noticed the way she spoke in those annoying voices when she quoted people. I hate it when people do that. It's disrespectful. Low. Shallow. Oh, what a coincidence, that's what my mom is. I kept looking at nothing.

"And he was so angry, he actually started chasing me with a large… Cabbage… thing in one hand and a strange scissor-like cabbage cutter thing in his other hands and he was like 'someone should teach you manners, young lady!' and I was like 'Oh, yeah? Right back at ya, Ed!' And even though "Edward Scissorhands" shell not be laughed at, I found it right, at that moment, to mention it in order to cause havoc."

How could he do that to me? I told him how I feel, how I really feel, and he does nothing about it. Nothing. How can a person be so insensitive? 

"Rory?" Mom asked. I kept staring at nothing. She tapped on my shoulder, causing me to jump in my place. I stopped staring at nothing and looked at mom. "Huh?" I asked. She smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Am I right?" she asked me. "Umm, totally." I replied. What are we talking about again?

"Have you even listened to what I was saying?" She asked. Her smile was half gone, but the brow was kept up. "Umm, no." I said, looking down at my coffee. Mom sighed. I looked up at her with a slight smile on my lips. "But the Taylor imitation was really good". Mom was about to speak as he came to our table. I automatically gazed down into my coffee cup, trying to avoid him. How did he get here? He wasn't in here before.

"Refill?" he asked. "Uhh, sure." Mom replied. I glanced at her. She glanced at me. I glanced back down at the cup. He filled mom's cup. I can feel his eyes on me. He took my cup. I bet he could tell that I was staring at it. I rolled my eyes at him, giving him a short, irritated gaze. He filled the cup and placed it where it was before. Then he walked away. I lifted my head, just to see mom gazing at me. 

"What was that about?" she asked. "Nothing!" I replied, obviously lying. I looked away, avoiding meeting her eyes. "Have you talked to him?" she asked, just before taking a sip from her coffee. I sighed, looking back at her. "I told him how I feel". Mom's eyes widen. "Wow." "That's what he said." I said in reply, following mysterious swirls inside that coffee cup of mine.

"What else did he say?" mom asked, sounding curious. "Nothing much." I said with a somewhat pouty expression. "He kinda asked me why I didn't tell him earlier." "Hmm." Mom hummed. "I told him that I didn't know." "Hmm." Mom hummed. "He asked me if I expect it to change things." "Hmm." Mom hummed. "And he's still with that Kara girl!" "Hmm." Mom hummed. "Stop humming!" I said, hitting the table with my palms. Mom was quiet for a moment. Probably thinking. Why is she thinking? I'm supposed to be the one who's thinking.

"You wanted things to change." Mom said. I nodded, adding a weak, agreeing "Yeah" to it. Mom lowered her head and nodded. "When Jess told you how he felt before you went to Washington… Don't you think he wanted things to change as well?" she said, looking into my eyes. I gazed down. Oh god! He's doing the same thing I did to him!

He sort of told me that it did mean something to him. He told me before I left.

But before I left, I didn't know how I really feel about him! But he still wanted things to change. I didn't even tell him that I'm leaving!

Mom glanced at her watch. "It's 7:18, sweets. We better get going." "Yeah…" I replied, taking one last sip from my coffee. We got up, took our stuff, and started walking towards the door. I sent him a short glance. A short, soft but harsh glance. It was my fault that nothing is changed. My fault.

It was about 4 pm. I got back from school just a few minutes ago. I hardly listened to anything in the lessons. I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was the way I screwed things up for myself. For us.

Who cares about math or English lit when you know you screwed up your chance to be with someone you care about? Alright, someone you love.

I sighed as I walked over to the kitchen. Fortunately, there was still some coffee left in the pot. I poured some coffee in the filter and turned the machine on. All I have to do is wait.

The house was too quiet. I was home alone, as mom's still at the inn. I don't want to think about him anymore. It's not good for my health. 

I plopped into a chair near the kitchen table. I looked around and sighed.

I looked around again. I spotted a book lying on the floor in the corner of the room. I got up and walked towards it. I picked it up, as I was close enough. "The Children's Hour". No wonder it's on the floor, it's mom's. I remember when I bought it for her. I was with _him_. 

I like hanging around with him. Sometimes I wish that all of that craziness would just go away, that we could be just friends again. No strange feelings involved. But more than that, I wished that we could be together. 

I took the book with me to the table and plopped down again. I opened the book and started reading.

Knock on the door. Knock, knock, knock-knock, knock, knock-knock. 

"Just a second!" I shouted. I turned the book upside down, got up and walked towards the door. I twisted the doorknob and opened the door.

Him.

"Hey." He said, his hands in his pockets. He gazed around, trying to avoid meeting my eyes. "Hi." I replied, avoiding meeting with his eyes. Both of us, trying to avoid each other. Hurray. I stepped back.

"Come in" I said. He came in, his hands still in his pockets. I closed the door and followed him to the living room. We just stood there, quiet again.

"Are you mad at me?" He suddenly asked, gazing up at me. I sighed. I frowned. It was a sigh mixed with a frown. A frowning sigh, rather. He nodded. "You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you." I responded. "Well, I'm… Slightly mad at you" I said, scanning the floor. "I…" He started, looking up at me. "I know you want things to change. But it's not that easy." I nodded and took a deep breath. It could be easy. But it's not. 

"Did you want things to change?" I asked him. He raised an eyebrow confused. "After I… We…" I sighed. "After the kiss. Did you want things to change?" I asked, lightly biting my lower lip. He shrugged. "Can you blame me?" he asked me. I shook my head. He nodded.

"Rory, I…" He started to say, taking his hands out of his pockets. "I really care about you." I looked away. He cares about me. That's it. Great. 

"Than why are you acting like this?" I suddenly said. Where did that come from? "Like what?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. I took a deep breath. "You say that you care about me, but when I'm around you, I just keep getting hurt!" "Rory, -" he tried to protest, but I didn't let him. "I tell you how I feel about you and you do nothing about it!" I said as I started to get a bit mad. "When I told you how I felt, when I told you that the kiss meant something to me, you didn't change anything. Don't you think I was hurt as well?" He asked, changing his tone to match with mine. "I didn't know I felt that way about you!" I shouted in protest. "That's not a reason to hurt a person!" He said. I shook my head. "I told you how I felt, how I still feel, and you just came in the diner with that _girlfriend _of yours. You're breaking my heart all over again!" I said, loud. Tears started forming in my eyes, but I didn't let them come out. "Rory," He tried to speak again, and again, I didn't let him. "Are you trying to play with my feelings? Because, let me tell you, you're doing a pretty good job!" I said, finally letting the tears stream out. He looked upset. Mad, rather. "I'm not trying to play with your feelings, Rory! I love you, I'll never do that!" 

I stopped at my place. My heart started beating like a sledgehammer. I looked at him, shocked. "What?" I asked, my words hardly hearable. "You want me to repeat that?" He asked cynically. "Yes." I announced. He took a breath. 

"I'm not trying to play with your feelings. I'll never try to hurt you." He said, softly. I shook my head, closing my eyes. "What you said after…" I said. He looked kind of shocked. "Oh." He just said. We both shifted uncomfortably in out spots, quiet.

"I gotta go." He said, walking towards the door. "Jess!" I called, but he was already out. I took a deep breath.

Whoa. He just said that he loves me. Did he mean it?

I shook my head, walking towards my room. 

I'll find out.


	8. Roller-Coaster Ride

**Feedback comment:**

I just had to comment. People, you have NO idea how much I adore you all. You make me feel so good… I love making people happy, or sad rather. As long as they enjoy what they read.

Each and every one of your comments is highly appreciated and I thank you so much for writing it. Thank you. :D

"Roller-Coaster ride"

"Oh my god!" She shouted, enthusiastically. "I know…" I said, still stunned. 

Two days ago, he told me that he loves me. Well, not really 'told' told, but he said it!

The bad thing about it was that, of course, we're back to the avoiding thing. Besides a 'hi' when I 'hi' him or a 'bye' when I 'bye' him or giving me coffee, we don't communicate. It seems like he's avoiding eye contact with me at all cost. 

I was sitting in Kim's Antiques with Lane. Her mother gave us 7 minutes to talk. We're lucky, usually we only get 5. 

"He actually said 'I love you' and 'Rory' at the same sentence?" She asked. She knew the answer, but it really was a shock. "Yeah." I said, letting it sink in. Again. "And then he just walked away?" Lane asked. Couldn't she have asked that question in a more subtle way? "Yeah" I responded as pained expression began to build on my face. I think Lane noticed. "Oh, I'm sor…" she began saying, but I just lifted my hand, motioning her to stop. I shook my head. "It's okay," I said, trying to erase that expression off my face. 

A tap was heard. Both Lane and me looked towards the isle, where Mrs. Kim was standing. "3 minutes" she declared, and then walked away. I looked at Lane again, a moment before she looked at me. "So?" she asked. I gave her a confused glance. "So what?" "What are you going to do about it?" she asked. 

To Lane, my life is like a reality show. She always loves hearing about what's happening with my love life, or with mom and me. It keeps her entertained.

Wait… What am I going to do about it? "I was thinking about asking him." I said. I was. Lane looked confused. "I thought you said he was avoiding you." She said. He was. "Well, not when I ask for coffee." I said. "But he just hands you coffee." She said. Hmm. "More like places it on the counter and walks away, actually." I said and shrugged. "I thought that if I could get him _while_ he's serving the coffee…" "Than you might get to ask him." Lance completed. "Yeah." I said, confirming. "Do you think it will work?" I asked her. "Try and you shall find out." Lane said, offering a little smile. 

There was a tap again. "Time over. Lane – Homework!" Mrs. Kim came, shouted and disappeared. Before I could respond, Lane walked over and threw her arms around me. "Good luck." She whispered in my ear. I hugged her back and replied with a "Thanks". 

"LANE!!" Mrs. Kim shouted. Lane pulled out of the hug and started running upstairs while waving to me. I took my backpack off the chair and started walking out, towards my house.

I was standing near the door of my house. It's the 6th time that I'm debating if to stay in or to go out. After 5 times in which I have walked out and walked back in, I don't know what to do anymore.

I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I need to know if he meant what he said.

But I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll say that he didn't mean it. I'm scared that he'll say that he meant it.

I opened the door again. I took a deep breath and started walking outside. Then I stopped. I looked back. I wanted to go back in, but I decided otherwise. I took a deep breath. I just closed the door behind me and kept walking towards the diner. 

I kept thinking about what to say, what to do. How to get him to talk to me. How to get him to look at me. What if she's there? Ignore or walk away?

Before I could notice, I was there. I was standing outside of Luke's. The diner wasn't half crowded. Luke wasn't there, but gladly, he was. She was there too, but I decided to ignore that little fact. I don't need to think about her. I have enough on my mind already.

I walked in. That familiar chime echoed inside the diner, causing most of the costumers to turn their heads at me.

Including them. They were sitting on one of the tables. He got up and walked over to the counter as he saw me. He was still avoiding me. I knew it.

I walked over to the counter as well. I leaned my hands on it and looked at him, but he wouldn't look at me. "Coffee?" He asked, turning around to take a cup. "We need to talk." I said. "Would you like a Danish with that?" He asked while filling the cup with coffee. "Jess…" I started. "We only have chocolate-chip and blueberry, though." He said while placing the cup on the counter, looking on it. "Jess!" I thumped my hands on the counter, giving Jess one of my serious glares. I didn't really care if he's not looking at me. 

He sighed and looked at me. "What?" he asked, his tone of voice mixed with pain and irritation. "We need to talk." I repeated. "There's nothing to talk about." He said, lowering his head. "I think there is." I said. "There isn't." He protested. I think we both knew that there is something to talk about. There's a whole lot to talk about. He looked down at the counter as I just looked at him. 

"Did you mean it?" I asked, softly. I wished he'd say he did. "What?" he asked, looking at me yet again. "When you said it. Did you mean it?" I asked, anxious to know already, but not wanting to be disappointed yet again. He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. I gazed back. I love his eyes. You can get lost inside them.

His eyes reflected pain. Honesty. Fear. Things I never expected them to reflect. His eyes moved. His face moved. He was nodding. Was he nodding? He was nodding!

"I meant it." He said. He meant it. He meant it! Oh, god! He meant it!

I was happy. I stopped thinking. I got lost. Lost in his eyes, lost in my mind. I felt like I was in a roller-coaster ride. I was swirling and I couldn't stop. I felt like my heart was going out, exposing itself to the world. My mouth opened. On its own. I felt my throat struggling. It wanted to talk. "I…" I said, though it was hardly hearable. I felt like I was choking. "I…" I tried to say again. Oh, god. Am I about to tell him that I love him too?

As soon as I realized what I was doing, I broke the eye connection and looked down. I can't say it. Not now.

I looked at him one more time. I nodded. It was more overwhelming than I expected it to be. I turned and walked away, leaving him behind to struggle with his own thoughts.

He loves me. I love him. I love him… Wow. I almost admitted it. To him. In public. He knows what I feel, but actually telling him… Wow. He loves me. He meant it. 

So, he loves me. I love him. What do we do now?


	9. As a Bat

"As a Bat" 

Gotta love Stars Hollow at night. No one's awake. No one cares. You could hang yourself from one of the street poles and no one would care. You could run naked through the streets and no one would care. You could sing out loud and no one would care. Well, maybe some one will get out and tell you to shut up. But you get the idea.

I sat in the gazebo, a book in my hand. It's been a while since I actually managed to read. I usually read a few lines, and then my mind drifts to Jess. I read these lines again, and I think of him again. I read these lines again, get frustrated, close the book, lean my head backwards, sigh.

Now I'm actually reading. The words linger in my mind. I can remember stuff.

It's not like I don't think of him anymore. I do think about him. A lot, actually. But knowing how he feels about me gave me an option to relax. Maybe I should just give it some time. Maybe it's a waste, but maybe it's not. 

There was one thing that put a temporary end to my concentration – Her.

I looked up from my book as I heard footsteps. She walked down the street, her straight hair up in a messy bun. She held a cigarette between her fingers. I didn't know she smokes. Well, I didn't really care if she does.

She sent a glance at me as she took a drag from her cigarette. I looked back at my book, not wanting her to notice that I was looking at her. It's no secret that I'm uncomfortable with being around her. 

She just kept walking. I continued on reading my book. Yup. Just give it some time…

And be very much disappointed. From yourself.

"Mmmm." 

I rolled in my bed as an annoying knocking sound woke me up.

"Mmmmmmm."

The knocking sound was heard yet again. I opened my eyes and glanced up at my watch, which read 9:53am. 

The knocking sound was heard again. And again.

"Mom…" I called, wishing she would come and stop the noises. No reply. "Mom?" I called again, slowly shoving the blankets away. I rolled off my bed, still sleepy. Is it just me or the floor is slightly turning? Hmm. By the time I stabled myself, the knocking stopped. 

I went into the kitchen. There was something on the table. A note?

_"Had to go, sweets. _

_We had a slight emergency at the Inn, had to go and keep Michel from shooting staples at the swans._

_Come and help if you feel like keeping mommy sane. _

_Love ya!"_

I sighed. A Saturday morning spent without mom. I hate spending Saturday mornings without mom. She's always so tired and cranky. Listening to mom's cranky vents is kind of a habit for me. It's our Saturday morning routine – Mom wakes up, mom walks in the kitchen, mom vents, mom vents some more. This morning, it's just me. No one to share vents with.

At least mom left some coffee for me. I gently touched the coffee pot, reassuring that its content is still warm. I poured some into a cup, which was placed on the counter. God, how I need to get some caffeine running in my system.

I took the cup in my hand, gulping some coffee. Gosh, this is good.

I glanced out the window. It was a beautiful day. I started walking towards the back door, never letting go of my coffee. I twisted the doorknob and walked out to the porch.

He's here.

"Hey" I said. "Hey" he replied, not even looking at me. What is he doing here? I thought he was avoiding me. 4 days had passed since he told me that he meant what he said. 4 days had passed since I found out he loves me. He kept avoiding me after that event. I wasn't so chatty myself.

I sat on the staircase, next to him, but still keeping my distance. I looked down at my cup of coffee, then up at him. "Can I get you some coffee?" I asked, trying to break that silence. I looked at him. He just shook his head. I took another sip from my coffee. He kept being quiet.

I took another sip from my coffee. I looked at him again. Quiet. I don't think he looked at me since I came out here. Not even once.

Quiet. I glanced at him again. I couldn't see his face, but he seemed confused. Deep in thoughts. I wondered what he's thinking about. It was one of these moments where I really want to read minds. I tried reading his mind, but I couldn't.

"We broke up."

Whoa. I looked at him. He looked down at his fists, which were clenched together. "What?" I asked, softly. He just sighed and finally looked at me. "Me and Kara. We broke up".

Gazillion thoughts went through my mind at that moment. Why, how, when, why? I know I asked why already, but… "Wow." I just said, resting my coffee cup down on a stair, beside me. "When?" I asked. He looked away. "A couple of days ago." He replied. I slightly nodded in return. He looked upset. I was concerned about him. But I was curious. "Why?" I asked, keeping my tone soft, comforting. He seemed like he needed it. He looked down, quiet again. I looked down myself. He sighed.

"I like her..." He said, suddenly. What's happening to him lately? All the feelings and the love and the… bah. I looked at him. He likes her. I didn't need to know that. My heart just got slapped. He sighed again and looked at me.

"But I figured it wouldn't be fair to be with her while I…" his voice trailed off. He looked away again. I knew what he meant. I felt overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. "Oh." Was the only thing I could say. 

We sat there, both of us, dealing with our own trail of thoughts.

"I just thought you should know." He said. I just nodded. "I appreciate that." I said, still overwhelmed. Silence spread between us again.

"I better go." He suddenly said, rising up from where he formerly sat. Before I could even reply, he walked away.

I looked at the coffee cup, standing still beside me. I grasped the cup in my hand, enjoying the warmth of it. Warm waves and chills always go good together.

I rose up myself, and started walking into the house again. I went in and closed the door behind me. I rested my cup in the sink.

I stopped moving.

Oh… My… God. Am I that stupid?

My heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Everything froze. My mind froze. He came over to my house to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend. 

_He_. Came over to _my_ house. To tell _me_ he broke up with his girlfriend.

I am that stupid.

I grabbed a chair and plopped into it, banging my head on the kitchen table. 

Why am I so blind? When I need to be blind, I can always see. When I need to see, I'm always blind.

We love each other. At least I think we do. We're both single. He tried to tell me that, in his own special way. He came to me and tried to tell me. And I was blind.

I sighed as I got up, making my way to my room. I let myself collapse on the bed and grabbed my pillow, hugging it tightly. I thought about it again. I couldn't stop. It just danced around my mind, over and over and over…

I won't be blind next time.


	10. To Remember

"To Remember"

I looked inside the cup of coffee, which was resting on the kitchen table. I think it was my 5th cup today.

I watched the coffee swirl and swirl and swirl, trying to taste it through its scent.

It was still Saturday, that same Saturday. I just wanted this day over. The last few weeks were definitely not the best weeks of my life. I grabbed the cup of coffee and took another sip.

"You are _so_ not my child!" My mom said, just as she refilled her cup of coffee. "Mom…" I frowned, "It was 10 am! I just woke up, and… And I had less than one cup of coffee! You know how un-clear my mind is at this time of day! And with that amount of coffee, how did you expect me to think?" I said, looking back into my coffee. I hate being so stupid. I'm supposed to be smart! I'm an A+ student, for god's sake!

Mom just sighed. "We should really get the coffee injected right into our blood. It will do us a lot of good." She said. I smiled, taking another sip.

"You know… I think…" mom started saying. I looked up at her, curious. "Jess has changed a lot lately." She said, smiling a bit.

He really did change a lot lately. He's more open with talking about his feelings. He's more serious. He's more vulnerable. 

Did I do this to him?

I was quiet. Mom looked at me. I guess she knew what I was thinking.

"Do you think it's my fault?" I asked her, uncertain. "It's not a fault." Mom said, reaching her hand to touch mine, "And, yes. I do."

I looked down, wanting to drown myself in that coffee cup of mine. But there was no use – There was no coffee left in it. I decided to ignore my need to a refill and try to cope on my own, without that brown liquid, which has always been my savior. 

I leaned my elbows on the table and rested my head on my palms. I tried to hide. I didn't know if to laugh or to cry, if to blame myself or if to be proud.

I didn't know what to do. With myself, with him, with 'us'… I didn't know what to do. At all.

I just sighed. "What am I supposed to do now?" I asked, looking up at my mother. She gazed into my eyes and smiled. "Well," she started, as I let my hands drop on the kitchen table, leaving my head hanging, "You can tell him how you feel." She finished. "Again?" I said, flashing a tired, cynical smile. "Again." Mom replied with a small laugh. I was about to give in to the refilling need when mom offered me an "Or…"

I looked at her, curiously. "You can be the one to make the first step this time". I smiled at her and nodded. I stood on my feet and walked towards my bedroom.

It was windy outside. Not too windy, though. The wind was calm and soft. It's a nice weather to walk in. Nice and quiet and… Nice.

I walked towards the diner. Each step seemed like eternity. I was scared. I was petrified. 

I was thrilled. A small smile spread on my lips as I saw the large wooden sign with the writing "Luke's" on it. I was close. So close.

I was hoping that he will be there. That he will agree to see me. That he will come with me. I was hoping that he wouldn't hurt me like I hurt him. Like I hurt myself.

I took a deep breath as I entered Luke's. The chime that was heard echoed in my mind, causing me to come back to reality. Luke was standing behind the counter, filling someone's cup with coffee.

"Hey, Rory." He greeted as I walked in the door. He smiled as I came to the counter, gently leaning on it. "Coffee?" he asked, showing me the coffee pot he was holding in his hand. "No thanks…" I replied with a small grin, "Maybe later." He nodded and rested the pot behind him, walking over to serve another costumer.

I don't need coffee. Hell, I had like 6 cups of it today. Not that I would mind having another one, but I think that one more would actually harm the sanity I have left in my mind.

I need to keep my sanity. I need to keep on standing. I need to be strong. I need… 

"Hey, Luke?" I called. He looked over at me while still taking an order. "Is Jess upstairs?" I asked, more quietly. "Yeah, I think so." He replied. I nodded and let go of the counter. Just what I need. 

Him.

I felt like he was following me with is eyes as I started walking towards the apartment. I went through the see-through nylon curtain leading to the apartment. I felt like everybody were staring at me, but I couldn't care less.

However I felt when I walked down the street felt twice as slow as I walked up the stairs. It took my infinity to climb up those stairs. It felt more like climbing up the Everest than climbing up some stupid stairs.

I was there. I was standing in front of the door. The door that was the only thing that came between him and me at the moment. I lifted my arm, ready to knock. Infinity times four.

I closed my eyes as my hand finally came in touch with the glass. 3 knocks. 3 slow, hesitating knocks. I took one long breath until I heard the sound of the doorknob twisting and the door unlocking. The door opened in a swing, and he stood there. He looked at me. He looked surprised. I felt like my breath stopped. I couldn't move… I couldn't breath. 

"Rory." He said, offering a small, curious smile.

I couldn't speak. I took another deep breath. I think time has stopped moving.

"You want to go for a walk?" was the only sentence I could get out. The way I said it was loaded in tension and fear. And excitement. Lots of it. 

"Okay" he said, keeping that smile of his. He disappeared for a moment but then came back with a coat in his hand. "Come on." He simply said as he walked out and closed the door behind him. He started walking and I just stared at him. Then he stopped. Why did he stop? He turned around, a smirk playing on his lips. "Do you want to take a walk or do you want to stare at me as I walk?" 

I let out a small laugh, bowing my head. I think I was blushing. Was I blushing?

I looked up and him and started walking by his side, down the stairs and through the diner, which seemed to entertain to costumers. But again, I couldn't care less. It didn't take forever this time. 

We just walked, often looking down to stare at our shoes. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't petrified. I was glad. And comfortable. I glanced at him and smiled. 

"So, where are we going?" he asked, breaking the silence. "You will see." I said, smiling. He looked at me. I looked at him. He smiled. I turned my head back. He turned his head back. We kept walking.

I stopped walking. It was bright enough to see but also dark enough to be vague, if I wanted to. My hands had slipped into my pockets as I looked around.

"So?" he asked. "So?" I asked in return. He raised an eyebrow. "Is that it?" he asked. I looked around again. "That is it." I said. I began feeling nervous again. I felt the tension building up again. He looked around. "What are we doing here?"

"It's a beautiful place." I said, glancing down at the green grass, looking aside at the young kids, swinging on the swings or sliding down the slides.

"Rory," he said, gently touching my arm, "What are we doing in here?" I couldn't move. Again. His touch was so gentle. So warm. So kind. I inhaled and exhaled, taking my time to think.

"About three months ago. In Sookie's wedding. In this very place," I said, looking around, "I…" "You kissed me." He said, gazing into my eyes. "I kissed you." I continued, gazing into his eyes. 

Without noticing, I was somehow drawn to him. Our eyes locked, as we were suddenly inches apart from each other. I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck and got closer to him. I could hear him breathing. I think I could hear his heart beating. My own heart was racing as I closed the gap between us, placing my lips on his.

I felt his hands slowly rising up, gently brushing my arms. I felt shivers going up and down my spine as he did that. He rested his palms on my cheeks as he moved his mouth on mine in reply to my actions.

It was so… Wow. I felt like I was floating. It was so soft, so gentle. So passionate, so loving. No one had pulled away. No one has dared to stop. It seemed like a year had passes. 

I pulled away slowly, and lowered my head. He stroked my cheek, moving his hand to touch my chin. "Rory?" he asked, silently, his tone a bit concerned. 

"Three months later. In the same very place," I started, "You kissed me." He said. He sounded happy. "I kissed you." I said, looking up at him. He was smiling. He looked happy. He was happy. I was happy.

He took his palms off my face and wrapped his arms around my waist instead.

"So," He said, silently, still with a smile on his face. "This is it?" He asked, arching a teasing eyebrow. I giggled. Giggled like a thrilled, little girl. "This is it." I said, a huge smile spreading on my lips. "Me and you." He said. "You and me," I replied, "Us."

He smirked. "We're an 'us'?" "Oh, yeah," I replied, laughing. This was definitely one of the happiest moments of my life. I looked into his eyes. I saw no pain, no fear. All I saw was happiness.

He leaned his head a bit forward. "I love you." He whispered in my ear, planting a small, soft kiss on my cheek. I could feel his warm breath on my skin. He was so close, so… I don't know. I just feel like I couldn't get away. But who said I wanted to? Oh, wait, he told me he loved me. 

He looked back at me. I felt so enthusiastic. My heart had just gotten wider. It felt so warm and fuzzy in my stomach. Now I know what the term 'butterflies' means. 

I just smiled. "I love you too." I declared, softly. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine again. I felt so safe, so loved. I kissed him back, my kiss full of feelings – All kinds of them. We just stood there, wrapped in each other's embrace, our lips moving together. It was nothing like our first kiss. It wasn't rushed or full of surprises. It was slow and sweet. He pulled away this time, his arms pulling me closer to him. 

"You're mine…" He said, his gaze examining my face, "My preciousss…." He said with a smirk. His last word swallowed by another kiss. A short one. "How very Gollum of you." I said, widely smiling. We looked at each other. Happy. We were happy.

I leaned my head on his shoulder as his hands rose up to my back, embracing me into a hug. I don't want to let go. But even though we will eventually let go, I will never want let go. 

Never.

They say that some bad things have a happy ending. 

They were right. 

**The end.**


End file.
